It was a few days after my mother passed away and things were falling apart.
I came across this spoken poem which poignantly captured my struggle to live in this difficult, difficult world.
Here is the video, followed by some of my ephemeral thoughts to go with it.
This is a powerful, nuanced poem, packing one punch after another with each line. And of course it is beautifully rendered by Pallavi.
It is the story of a man in search of peace and contentment, which are elusive through his long years of chasing desires, in the hope that the attainment of the next goal would quell the yearning. Which of course does not happen. As he despairs, he finds one more glittering desire on the horizon, which adds a spring to his step for a while, only to fail again. What finally happens to the man, you have to find out by listening to the poem.
As for me, I have never really chased wealth, fame or other worldly goals, except as practical necessities in order to exist in this world. But I have chased love, and I seem to have failed repeatedly at it. With my mother, father and brother in the early years, and with my spouse in the later years. I too have grown weary, as the man in the poem does, looking all over for that which would still this restlessness.
Every time I listen to this poem, there are certain phrases that hit home hard. I am going to focus on one of those phrases now, and what it means to me.
Kyun khud se itna lad raha?
Why are you fighting yourself?
That’s the crux of it all. Those words make me cry each time I listen to them. Both the inevitability of it and the absolute futility of it.
When the world feels like a difficult and confusing place to be in, the struggle seeps inwards and becomes a fight with oneself.
Yet, how can I be at peace if I am in conflict with myself? It is a contradiction in terms.
Self-loathing is like an acid that corrodes from within. When I was afflicted with this disease in its most virulent form, I didn’t want to live anymore. It was just too darned difficult. I wanted to close my eyes and not wake up.
Yet this poem gently asks: why are you fighting yourself? And as I listen to those words, something stirs within. There is a shift as I realize what I am doing to myself. And if I am doing it, I see that I can also undo it.
Life is not cruel. Ha! It can certainly be challenging in terms of outer circumstances, but inwardly I don’t have to beat myself up. External situations don’t change because I am hard on myself. To the contrary, those situations become even more intractable, as I deny myself all agency.
It is easy though to move from a sense of inadequacy to self loathing when there is no love. So, find that love. As the ever insightful Maya Angelou encourages us:
Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.
Maya Angelou
This time, don’t look in the wrong places.
Buddhism speaks of the practice of loving-kindness, which is directed inwards, and over some time I have come to see its immense value. So too the practice of expressing gratitude and forgiveness. These are powerful tools that dissolve the inner rock, the hardening of our hearts as protection from past and future hurt. However impossible it may seem, it is always possible to forgive and to be grateful, even in the most trying situations, as Victor Frankl points out in his masterpiece Man’s Search for Meaning.
To not fight yourself and instead practice loving-kindness, gratitude and forgiveness – these are gentle gifts to yourself. The wellbeing that emerges from these practices will naturally express itself in all that you do, and in turn it will become a gift to others. Through you.
Be a light unto yourself.
J Krishnamurti
Thank you, Pallavi. I am eternally grateful.
Featured Image: Photo by Colton Duke on Unsplash
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