This is a response to the article titled The Art of Parenting by Raji Swaminathan, which appeared in Issue 15 of the Journal of the Krishnamurti Schools. As I read the article, I felt the impulse to relate it to my life’s particulars, and hence this rather disjointed response.
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While on the face of it, much of Raji’s article seemed to be directed at parents with teenagers, almost all the issues raised in the article were just as pertinent to me, father of a five-year old.
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We don’t own a television. Each time we come back home from another house with television, we pat ourselves on the back and tell ourselves we got that one right. Besides all the other issues that are well documented about the ill effects of television viewing, just the lack of constant background chatter is an enormous relief. If only we could similarly turn off the chatter inside our heads with a switch! It is one of those instances where you don’t realise what you are missing until you experience it.
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My daughter is completely up to date with all the cartoon characters that appear on television. She knows the entire lot of them. Ben10 is her favourite. She wants Ben10 shoes, a Ben10 watch, Ben10 glasses, a Ben10 gun, just about anything that has Ben10 on it. So much for eliminating the television at home! Some of it has been picked up with the occasional viewing of television at grandparents’ homes, but most of it has been learnt from her friends at school. It is amazing how much a child can learn from her peers at the age of five, and what a grip it can have on her.
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We don’t buy her many things. “No” is the most common word used by us when we shop with our daughter. We are quite creative in the reasons we offer while refusing to buy most things our daughter asks us. The things that attract her (quite different from the things she likes) are not the things we may want to get her. New-age parenting suggests that children should be encouraged to develop their own tastes and too much of a “No” is unhealthy. I wonder about the wisdom of that. Children are very persistent. They can ask more times than you can refuse. Distraction and diversion are useful parenting tools. Humour helps too. But sometimes, like water on rock, you get worn down and either you give in or your refusal is a little too forceful.
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My daughter and I had a conversation that went something like this:
She: Appa, Srinithi (her friend) smiles a lot.
Me: Mmm hmm.
(Pause)
She: You also smile a lot.
Me: Really? (Smiling, feeling surprised and flattered, for I don’t believe I really do.)
She: Srinithi’s mother also smiles a lot.
Me: OK.
(Pause)
She: But you scold more than Srinithi’s mother.
Ouch! There was not much I could say – we talked a bit about the times when I scold her, more to reassure myself there must have been good reasons for me to have done so. As we spoke, I realised I was walking on a knife-edge; on the one hand, I was being harsh too often, enough for her to notice that other parents were not as harsh; and on the other hand, there was still enough in the relationship for her to find the courage to tell me about it. The balance could tip one way easily, but would need regular attention on my part to make it ease the other way.
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Cities are not kind to children, or to parents. Parks are few and far between. Open spaces are almost non-existent. The traffic is a constant threat, even in relatively quiet neighbourhoods. If you do not live in a gated community (or on a Krishnamurti school campus!), chances are that you are struggling as a parent to find safe, open spaces where children can play with other children, without your supervision. Consequently, children spend more time indoors than is probably healthy for them.
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It has become mandatory for families to have double incomes. That, with nuclear families, means fewer adults are available for children; either one parent must give up their income or they must hire an au pair, both choices leading to financial stress. The alternative is to send children to classes, where they might meet other children and adults. Classes are not just avenues for “getting ahead” but in some cases they are vital babysitters.
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It seems to me that to exhort parents to spend more time with their children, be less indulgent or be more creative (much as these may be helpful) adds guilt to the bind they already find themselves in.
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One sentence in Raji’s article stood out (page 46): “The welfare of the child is therefore connected to the well-being of the parent.” I think that is the key to redesigning our lives and our relationships with our children, and hence re-discovering the wonder of parenting. If I am upset or pre-occupied, I see that it impacts my child directly (when I transfer my irritation on to her as impatience) or indirectly (when I act out my anger, making everyone around upset as well). Whenever I have taken steps to find more balance in my life, it has had a positive impact on my daughter. In my case, it has almost always been about exercising regularly. I have found that our home is a happier place and my child is less wary of me when I exercise regularly.
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To take responsibility for our inner spaces is not an abstract concept – our inner spaces affect our outer spaces and disturbances in the outer spaces are often pointers to imbalances in the inner spaces. In a limited sense, Krishnamurti’s phrase “you are the world” is quite apt in this context.
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We have seen our daughter go through phases of “difficult” behaviour. A teacher of mine taught me that when there is difficulty in life, where energy is leaking, try to throw something positive in the pot, rather than fight the difficulty head-on. I see that same principle helps in parenting. Often, we have found breakthroughs have come from more proactive engagement with her, and engagement that is not controlling or correcting. Having some positive experiences together takes the edge off the other interactions. The child feels secure again, and it is from that feeling of security with parents that a child can grow naturally and easily.
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Kahlil Gibran, in The Prophet, On Children
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
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Oh, did I mention it? We just had twins a couple of months ago!
This was originally written in March 2011 and remained unpublished until now.
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