The article “Daddy Cool” (The Hindu, 1 June 2013) spoke of the significant role of fathers in the upbringing of children. It mentioned the emergence in recent years, especially in western countries, of stay at home dads who look to be equal partners in parenting.
As a father who has worked from home for eight years and been an active parent of three children, a girl and twin boys, I feel that the complexity of choices that a couple faces is rarely captured by simplistic propositions such as “who earns the money and who changes the diaper.” Pithy phrases such as “Cool Dad” and “Super Mom” only re-emphasise superficiality and stereotyping.
A rather conventional setup of the man earning and the woman rearing might belie the complex decision making process behind that structure. Similarly, what seems liberal on the surface might be fraught with hidden agendas that have not been sufficiently exposed to discussion and clarification, and might unravel painfully over a period of time. Further, an arrangement that seems optimal now might be claustrophobic a while later. In short, it is impossible to judge from the outside.
It appears to me that full time parenting is definitely not “cool” – it is a daily affair and it has a relentless quality to it, often repetitive and quite tedious. It requires physical stamina, patience, capacity to wait for long periods of time, ability to slow down, willingness to give up other pleasures, and a sense of humour to retain perspective. Sugar-coating the process to be otherwise is to deny its complexities and hence perpetuate the barriers that come in the way of fathers taking to it more whole heartedly. Men are not to be enticed into active parenting by earning a “cool” tag but they must enter it voluntarily, joyfully and bravely, in partnership with their spouse. They must face the same, hard questions that women have traditionally faced.
Women are often thrust into the role of primary care-givers by default due to a mistaken notion that they are biologically better suited to the task and there lies a difficulty. For men, this provides a convenient escape, as their laidback-ness or even complete absence is socially ratified. However, I increasingly see around me, in India, several couples in their thirties and forties, trying to work their way through the conflicting demands that bear down on nuclear families in an urban milieu. The men (and women), in these relationships, are not taking the easy way out and their struggles to be an active and participative father (and mother) are not trivial.
The most enduring aspects of parenting together are best formed well before a child is born: strong communication, mutual respect, desire to see one’s spouse grow to be the fullest human being they would be, and I daresay, love. For, often, in the journey of parenting, the hardships endured can test the spousal relationship to its fullest, even threaten its continuance.
There is a poignant scene at the very end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, where Frodo, after having cast the ring into Mount Doom and having been rescued by Gandalf, wakes up in Rivendel to meet his friends one by one with great joy. The last to enter is Sam, and the laughing Frodo quietens down to share a long, silent look with Sam that captures all the highs and lows of their impossible journey together. Parenting is such a journey that is rarely understood by those who are outside the charmed circle.
I wish to look at three aspects that influence the extent to which men and women participate as active parents: circumstances, ambition and communication. These three aspects are not definitive or comprehensive but they are germane because they are not gender-specific.
Circumstances
Quite clearly there are as many variations to circumstances as there are people. Financial distress, promotion, joint family, nuclear family, active grandparents, aged grandparents, debilitating illness, loss of job, commuting time, post-partum depression, post-natal complications, relocation of schools, natural disasters, and so on.
These circumstances represent the shifting sands that we otherwise call life and within it, we attempt to build stability, find security and search for meaning and purpose. As we stumble through, we encounter parenting, sometimes accidentally, and always ill-prepared. All the wisdom of the ages would not help new parents – their struggles are their own and they must evolve solutions specific to their circumstances. These circumstances, as listed above, can be overwhelming and often decisive. In many cases there is simply a fight for survival.
Often, we feel we are victims of our circumstances and if we could somehow re-arrange one or two elements, all would be well. Instead, what perhaps needs rearrangement is our response to the circumstances we find ourselves in. This is a difficult change to bring about as our responses may emerge from fears and desires deep within us that we may not be entirely aware of.
Ambition
We are driven by a desire to succeed. We are ambitious and we would like our lives to be worthy of note. When faced with the need to parent a child, we must encounter our ambition and ask “Now, what?”
For many of us, our self-identity is very strongly merged with our work and the success we achieve in doing it. Children are born in our lives, often, at the very time when striving for such success is at a peak. Some articles in popular media seem to suggest that parenting need not come in the way of one’s career and that there are ways to arrange one’s life so both aspects can be met with “success”, giving rise to super-moms (and less frequently, super-dads). However, that is to miss the point.
Such thinking reinforces the dominant framework of a success-driven society. It seems to suggest that parenting can be yet another feather in one’s stellar cap. Contrarily, parenting provides an opportunity to question this deep urge for success that we experience: without recognition, who am I? At the worst of times, I have felt immense frustration that my children have come in the way of my work and then, I have realised that parenting is my work. No more. No less.
Communication
At the heart of any relationship, including marriage, is the communication that exists within. When decisions are taken tacitly, without exposing the contradictory pushes and pulls that we feel within, the result is a fall back on traditional structures, in which typically women make the sacrifice.
How would two people with equal desire for success in the world’s eyes approach parenting within their unique welter of circumstances, without exposing to each other the deep desires and fears that they experience? This is an enormous challenge, in particular for the men in our society.
While the need for strong communication between parents seems an obvious need, it is established only with great tenacity. Communication is often a good barometer for the trust and respect that exists in a relationship. The lack of it is often felt as unexpressed resentment, explosive anger or manipulation, none of which creates a healthy ground for parenting.
Conclusion
The bulk of parenting is often invisible and there are no medals, accolades, promotions or increments to be won. Naturally, it is often felt as “unrewarding”, except in nostalgia or through a vicarious pleasure in the success of our own child. If we do not sentimentalise parenting or transfer our sense of success from our work to our child, what does parenting feel like?
To me, it appears that parenting brings into sharp focus what is essentially human – that our lives are an unfolding mystery we attempt to control futilely. In this lies an opportunity to discover our own depths.
This was originally written in 2013 and has been unpublished until now.
Featured Image: Photo by Chris Curry on Unsplash
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