When I wrote Discovering INFJ, the plan had been to write about this book by Elaine Schallock Drenth. But that did not quite happen. I had to suspend writing that blog post then and did not find the inspiration to return to it. Until now.
Today I was reading through the last chapter of this book again and I found myself smiling. I thought it was now time to write about this book’s impact on my understanding of myself through the lens of the INFJ personality type.
Let me start from the end.
Titled Actualization, the final chapter tackles this vexing question that INFJs face much of their lives: what, exactly, is the value of insight that translates to a deeper understanding of unconscious knowledge so that we may fully realize our potential?
In other words, what can INFJs do with their frustration of having insights that they struggle to communicate to the rest of the world? Remain misunderstood? Try to get better at selling their insights? Withdraw into a cave and forget the world? Try to stop having these insights and live a more worldly life? Delete the word potential from their lexicon?
All of these are deeply unsatisfactory options for an INFJ. If they attempt these, which they are likely to at some point in time or the other if they are anything like me, they will simply get unhappy and eventually depressed.
The last chapter then offers a way out, something to which INFjs can intuitively say “Aha! That makes sense!” Because the way out is really a way in, and to an INFJ that logic would make total sense!
But let’s rewind a bit.
When I first started reading about INFJ, I was totally taken in by the description of this personality type and the meaning of those four letters, how rare INFJs were, and thus very misunderstood.
Then I discovered the underlying framework of the MBTI function stack. The understanding of the Primary function Introverted Intuition (Ni) and the Auxiliary function Extraverted Feeling (Fe) helped change my ways of being in the world. I began to trust my Ni and it grew stronger. As I started using Fe to express the intuitions that came through my Ni, there was increased confidence in myself. I then began to work on things like being more assertive and drawing my boundaries. I understood how the Inferior function Extraverted Sensing (Se) was a bit of an Achilles heel, and learned how to regulate it with regular exercise and dancing. However, I had conveniently ignored the Tertiary function Introverted Thinking (Ti), and I did not realize it then.
My exploration of INFJ’s function stack helped me grow up to a point, and then I just got stuck. There was the deeper question of unrealized potential – that irritating thing I had heard from childhood about me.
About a year ago, when I found this book by Drenth and read the last chapter, I wept. Yes, yes, I used to cry a lot – something you have figured out by now if you have read the rest of this website. I wept this time because that chapter offered the key to realizing my potential – to do the slow, painstaking work of Ti – but I was at a stage in my life when I just could not do what it was suggesting I should do. I just could not muster up the energy to do it. It was asking too much. I could not be bothered. Life had just been too tough. I just wanted to curl up and sleep, and wished it would all go away.
It so happened that I did find my way out slowly by chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, saying Yes to Life in spite of everything, and the deep meditations of the Direct Path.
As I read through that last chapter of Beyond Rare today I found myself smiling. I realized I had intuitively adopted Drenth’s suggestion of doing the transformative inner work of Ti without quite setting out to do so:
Arguably, the greatest gift that INFJs can give the world is that of their own personal growth. It is also the greatest gift they can give to themselves. That’s because when INFJs finally discover the inner strength and resilience that comes with investing in tertiary Ti, the Sensing world becomes a much less frightening place, eliminating the INFJ’s need to try to control or change it.
During all the inner work I did to move through my grief and find a way to live in this world again and do something meaningful, I formed a triad of basic self-care: exercise, meditation, and journaling. Of the three – it’s quite difficult to choose but if I had to – I would say journaling was the key.
I had moved from writing with pen and paper to Google Docs because that let me write whenever I wanted to, and I found myself writing all the time. After a year of writing, I hit a limit I did not know existed: 1.02 million characters! That’s right, it was 968 pages long and Google said I could not write more in that document. I had hit a wall!
I then started a second Google doc and ran out of space again. Another 1000 pages or so done.
Now I am onto my third document and currently on page 628. I should run out of space with this one too in a few months’ time. This has been an insane amount of writing. Essentially, I wrote my way out of hopelessness.
Then there is this blog, which I primarily write for myself. I know a handful of people read it occasionally, and some diehard friends read every new post, and they mention it to me sometimes. But I am my primary audience. I do this for myself. This is a kind of public journal. The writing style is similar to what I use in my journal but the language is more tempered, more organized, and mildly edited. Because I don’t write for anyone in particular, I write whatever I want, whenever I want; I am not worried if it will be read and if it is read what people think of it.
By writing for myself, I discovered what is uniquely mine that I could offer the world. I had found my voice.
Through the development of tertiary Ti, INFJs discover a different way to channel their Ni intuitions – from a focus that is outcome-oriented to one that is process-oriented – resulting in the manufacture of the most valuable product of all: themselves. INFJs find that the treasure they desire is not something obtained from without, but actually a byproduct of their own personal growth and development – what we call living “inside-out”.
Interestingly, this process has stirred a desire to do something more in the world of work – teaching for now and coaching and leadership in the future – and I have started taking steps to grow in that direction, to fulfill the potential others have seen in me that I have tended to shy away from.
From feeling like a misfit and a loser once upon a time, and living with a constant existential anxiety for god knows how long (50 years yes from the moment of that traumatic birth), there is just no fear of the world anymore or of how things may pan out. I have nothing to lose and there is nothing to be gained either. The world feels more like a playground now and I am happy to play.
Drenth ends the book with:
There is profound peace and freedom for INFJs in being able to let go of outer consequences – the kind that can come from knowing that we have personally done all that we can do in a situation to influence a desirable outcome. […] Taking care of our personal growth, development, and actualization, doing whatever we can to understand ourselves better and respond to the call before us – this is what authentic living looks like. And it is this quality of authentic living, and quite possibly only this quality, that can well and truly be called “beyond rare.”
Reading that left me smiling today.
Featured Image: Photo by Dagmara Dombrovska on Unsplash
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